Loser

Do you ever just feel like a loser? i do. Do you ever just feel like a skank? i do. do you ever feel like a horrible person? i do.
I'm not sure there was a point in time in my life where I've felt worse then i do now. not even when Michael used me for sex. not even when my mother ran away. i'm just so consumed by sadness i didn't know what to do. My grandpa died not that long ago and ever since i got the news that he had cancer its been this roller caoster of depression and now that he's gone its ten times worse. I want to scream and shout that he's not gone he cant be gone and every time i think about it i want to cry and yell at myself.
The week before he died late at night i would always remember that i needed to call my grandparents but seeing as i work till almost 10 pm every night i knew i couldn't call them. so i would write on my mentle checklist that i needed to call them before i went to work the next morning but i could never get to it. every night it was the same way untill one night i called grandma and she didnt answer. the next day i was sitting at walgreens when she called me back only to tell me that grandpa had past. tears well up in my eyes as i remember that day. i was heading to work when she called. i felt abondoned and mad at God for taking away my grandpa when just a month earlier the doctor gave him 3-6 months.
When i was 11 i lost touch with my biological family because i was forced into foster care after my mother left me and my step dad sexually abused me, it was only recently at age 19 that i reconnected. i only got to see grandpa 3 more times until he died. i feel cheated and wronged and it hurts so bad to even think about. that wass last week, i dont want to cry anymore in front of people im done with it so i better finish this up before my roomates ge home.
last night i broke up with the most amazing guy ever. he loves me and cares for me like no one else would and i fear no one else will but he's in high school with no job plus when we fight he stands there not looking at me with a blank look on his face. I wish he would scream i wished he's yell. HELL sometimes i wish he's hit me just so i'd know what he's feeling. i cant sit here in this relationship without knowing hows hes feeling without knowing whats going on inside his head. he texted me last night that love withstands all. and he's right but im not about to be in a relationship that my parents are in (the adoptive ones) it's not healthy and i wont do it. and now i just wish someone would ask me out.n i need to move on. i need to get my life going again. i need to stop hurting. I am the biggest bitch of a loser :(